Whitey Christmas

Oh, thank the stars and sweet Jesus! The Swiss Colony Catalog is here! Now my holiday shopping will be a breeze, and I can "buy now, pay later" because my credit is pre-approved!

The sticker on the front warns me that this is my Final Catalog, because the Swiss Colony people won't bother me with "unwanted catalogs." I'm not sure what that means, because I don't recall asking them for this catalog. But, you know what? Sometimes unspoken prayers are answered, aren't they? Right? Am I right?

So, let's go shopping!

First of all, I am definitely signing up for the FREE chocolate covered macadamia nuts that come with ANY purchase. I want those nuts. In fact, I don't know if I can wait for them to come in the mail. I might have to go shopping at QFC... I'm looking at the photo of the nuts, peeking out from under the half-opened lid of a gold painted metal tin framed by holly branches. Those nuts are so chocolate-y, they practically glow. The light dances off them in such a beguiling way, it's like they're winking at me. These nuts are so coy. They know they want to be mine.

Reluctantly, I turn the page on the luscious nuts and take a look inside the catalog.

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Winter wonderland, you are everything I've dreamed of!

Right here, on the first page, Swiss Colony has written me a check for $400. Now that's what I call Christmas cheer. Who says people are greedy and mean? I don't, because they're not. They're nice and they like me and they sent me $400 in a catalog. Oh, but when I look closer I see that the money has to be spent on stuff in the catalog. And there's another picture of the choco-macadamia nuts. I have to keep going.

Oh, candy with sprinkles, and glaze, and…family! There they are, smiling in the snow, carrying home the tree they chopped down in what looks like a national park…no, that can't be! It must be a tree store made up to look like a forest. Sure. And the jolly family, mom and dad and sister and brother, are all white like me. In fact, everyone in the Swiss Colony Catalog is white like me. I guess the Swiss Colony folks know what white people like. According to the catalog, white people like cheese. And candy, and fruitcake. And white people like so many other things…

Velour lounge sets. Inspirational cuff watches. Dragonfly accessories. "Midnight Elegance" gloves with fake fur trim at the wrists. Musical kitten fountains and sleeping kitten fleece throws. 12-feature pocket tools, because "he can't go camping without a good knife," and actual Swiss Army knives are really expensive, and besides, this tool set is made of "rugged metal." Electronic bibles, featuring "both Old and New Testament…with bookmarks, note taking, verse linking, and enhanced search." Wow! My little nephew will be the envy of his rowing team at camp next year!

And that's not all.

Presidential knife sets celebrating our "5 greatest Presidents!" (Want to guess? Washington, Lincoln, FDR, Eisenhower, and Kennedy. Their portraits are painted right on the handles. Not sure how that Commie FDR slipped in there, but oh well.) Military mascot pocket watches…

Hmm. The "American Glory" fiber optic globe carries this description: "Fiercely protective (just like someone you know?), this detailed American eagle watches over a brilliant fiber optic globe."

Just like someone you know… I don't get it. Maybe they mean Brandon, whose name is stitched on the personalized TV blanket with a pouch on the back, to tuck his feet into. Brandon's feet are tucked in and he's comfy as a king in his favorite TV chair. He's holding a beer and smiling in a way that's kind of cute and kind of demented. I think Brandon's done something bad. Something he doesn't want the Swiss Colony people to know about.

Anyway, it doesn't matter. I just found the perfect gift. The one I want. And if anyone out there wants to make a middle aged white woman really, really happy, they can buy it for me. No, not the blanket-holding snowman. Although that is nice.

The best item in the whole catalog is the (soon to be mine) John Deere™ Pocket Watch. OMG, it has a picture of a tractor on the spring activated lid, and when it opens the lucky owner is "greeted with the signature sound of a John Deere original Model 40 tractor—there's even a tractor-shaped second hand that rides around the dial."

Okay, they can keep the "multimedia sweater" and the "outback rod and reel combo." They can even keep the chocolate covered macadamia nuts. I have to have that tractor pocket watch. I need one. I'm always five minutes late, wherever I go.

I've been meaning to buy a timepiece to replace my Batman watch, and here it is! I have to have that watch. I can't go on without it. I know I'll dream about it tonight. And I am sure someone will send me one for Christmas.

Oh, I'm so glad Swiss Colony found me. This is going to be the best Christmas ever!



"Whitey Christmas" originally appeared on the blog Hick with a Master's Degree on Friday, November 9, 2007.